a c u t e a n g l e

new hair

2012-01-28T18:30:00.000-08:00

I treated myself to a salon visit. I put my virgin hair into the capable hands of the stylist and said, "do what you want." - an hour later and I'm sorta blonde again! Woh! crazy! It's going to take a little getting used to but I'm enjoying the change.

love letter

2012-01-28T00:11:00.000-08:00

"I believed in the purest form of love there is. Something which only existed in movies. Others read what I wrote and felt uplifted. They called it beautiful. But it was just my life. I believed it. All of it. And it made me better. I wrote better. I worked better. All the things that love was supposed to do for you.

And then you told me it wasn't love…
Love is just a package to be sold and purchased. We feel things and we think it's love. But maybe it's just a good salesman.

Thank you for helping me to find my voice. For letting me create this world for us to exist. It wasn't real. But I was happy. Although I no longer believe in love, I believe in myself. And that's all I need to keep going." - lulu

I had a dream. I dreamt of you....

2012-01-27T23:55:00.000-08:00

in the end

2012-01-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

Their eyes look at me with such sincerity. "you're so amazing. anyone would be so lucky to have a partner so beautiful and smart and interesting." - my friends list off all the reasons why I shouldn't worry about my singleness. I look back at them wondering how they are exactly the same things they call me and yet are also single. With each adjective I find my eyes shed a tear. I don't know if I'll find a partner that can match what I am willing to bring to the table. Worst case scenario I am living the life of a single woman who loves dogs and the way the leaves rustle in the wind. Is it so terrible to be alone? Would my life hold less meaning if I never find "my other half"?

thank you

2012-01-27T11:26:00.000-08:00

Thank you to the people that left comments saying they enjoy my blog and my attempts at writing. I really appreciate it. I hope to keep sharing and (despite not knowing who is or is not reading this blog) will always try to be as honest as I can w/o hurting anyone. Outfit posts might be slow in coming. I've really hit a point where I'm just wearing basics every day. There is also a ton of black happening which isn't very interesting to photograph.

I know these things come in waves. Emotions are probably one of the harder things to predict. But I will say that meditating has really helped me lately. While sitting in my apartment an emotional wave ran over me that was so powerful I began to cry tears of joy. I don't know where tomorrow will take me... but today I am grateful.

xo

uniform dressing

2012-01-26T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to gravitate back to the idea of uniform dressing or a more minimalist closet. I have TWO closets full of clothes and shoes. TWO!! And when I look back at my favorite outfits from last year I see that really it was composed of the same couple of tops, bottoms (mostly black jeans), and the same two pairs of boots. For some reason I talk myself into keeping all the clothes I have because they hold the promise of future outfits that never happen. I've also been in the very bad habit of holding onto things for possible test shoots. It all seems rather wasteful to me. When I think of all the dollars spent on things that spend most of their stay with me hanging in the closet with tags still attached. Mind blown.

Challenge:
I'm going to spend a couple of hours this weekend trying to talk myself out of various clothing that has taken up residence in my closet. Wouldn't it be amazing to walk into my closet and only see what I actually wear?

get honest; inquire

2012-01-25T21:49:00.000-08:00

‎An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It is a gift which says "Get honest; inquire."

- Byron Katie

see you on the other side

2012-01-24T15:39:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them."
- Richard Siken

look

2012-01-23T21:14:00.000-08:00

I'm constantly in awe of how strange and twisted life is. While trying to get back to my own life I feel like I'm given constant pushes in odd directions.

Living in the same neighborhood as your ex-boyfriend is never a good idea. I try like hell to avoid run-ins but they seem to happen anyway. This weekend I saw him walking down the street with his new lady. Seeing them felt like a punch to the stomach... that familiar sinking feeling. I couldn't take my eyes off them. The earth swayed slowly below my feet as I managed all my strength to keep from rolling to my knees.

After that moment I begged the universe to leave me to recuperate. Please. Is it too much to ask to be left alone?

Today while riding the bus home through downtown I looked up to suddenly see them walking down the street arm in arm. They were dressed in their finest date outfits and were deep in conversation. Walking so slowly.

For a moment I asked why this was happening? I know San Francisco is small. But surely there is enough space to leave me some peace. In that moment of "why me" I had to conjure up a quote that I had read. I have to believe I'm being shown their presence to teach me something about myself. Maybe it's supposed to help me let go of the pain. To accept what is.

“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.”

Kelly Oxford time

2012-01-23T14:19:00.000-08:00

"Smiling on the outside, rolling eyes and making jerk-off motion on the inside."

- Kelly Oxford

it's all in how you carry it

2012-01-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; they’re feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain, but they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it - that’s what matters. Pain is a feeling; your feelings are a part of you, your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them or you hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

- Jim Morrison

source

things I don't talk about anymore

2012-01-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

I went back into the archives and started deleting things. I'm pretty close to deleting this whole blog all together and start fresh. While sifting and digging I noticed a lot of posts about how I was struggling with specific problems. Shopping addictions, weight gain, and some hints at relationship issues. Now it seems all I do is post quotes that help me through the day. Maybe a blurry photo here and there. But ultimately things aren't the same. I suppose that's normal. At any rate it's life. I'm guilty of grasping at whatever I can to keep things the same. Change isn't my strong suit. But! But. Change can't be controlled. Sure, it can be manipulated but all the same it's going to happen one way or another whether you're ready for it or not.

So! Things I haven't talked about but am willing to skim the surface of now.

1. Shopping addiction - I've read a lot of literature about all kinds of addiction. At the end of the day we're all desperately trying to save our self from feeling any pain. Whether that pains is anxiety, depression, doubt, loneliness, etc, we react as if those feelings are tantamount to death. We keep so busy that we're never allowed to take time to question our motives or our deeper needs. We mask the pain with people, food, hobbies, things. My experience over the last couple of months tells me that even when you've faced your worst fear, even when you think that when you peer over that edge death must be on the other side... well.... you manage to keep on living. At any rate I did. In the past in order to avoid I would shop. If I felt insecure I would buy something pretty that made me feel somehow more worthy. Now? I've been practicing sitting with my feelings. They hurt and poke and tear at my insides. But! I sit with them and at times lean into them knowing that they will pass. Fact is that even when experiencing a full blown panic attack I manage to come out the other side. I still get dressed in the morning and take my dog for a walk. I still laugh and smile with friends. Life has a funny way of reminding you that you never know what's around the corner for better or worse. In the past 6 months I've only purchased one item of clothing online and three items while out with friends.

edit: I wanted to clarify that the clothing I purchased was not to mask pain. I was mindful of what I was buying in the moment. Two dresses were purchased to celebrate a smaller body shape. One dress purchased to wear while styling over leggings, and one pair of faux leather leggings to wear under whatever. Sadly the leather leggings are already big.... but under a tunic or large sweater they still work.

2. Weight gain - Oh brother. This is a hard one for a lot of women. Especially in the 30-something age range. Because the universe is a strange place I recently lost 12 pounds without trying. I mentioned panic attacks above and apparently those suckers burn A LOT of calories! Not to worry, I haven't stopped eating. No, I'm not starving myself. But I think left to my own devices I eat small portions of healthy food. I never eat past 7:45pm if I can help it (group dinners are obviously an exception if needed). Donuts are a thing of the past as are ice-cream sundaes in bed and Chinese Take-out at 11pm. I live in a city that requires that I walk a ton and so I do. Funnily enough I probaby should go shopping and buy new pants that fit BUT I just wear my black skinnies every day so what's the point?

3. Relationship issues - I can't and won't go too deep into this. My four year relationship to my best friend of twelve years has ended. To say I didn't see it coming would be a lie. I know I worked harder than most people ever would to keep it alive. Believe me there have been times when I felt perfectly entitled to tell every deep dark secret I've ever kept out of consideration of someone else. To vent my pain. To unload the incredible burden. I've often wished I could be more angry. I've wanted to send out signal flares warning people far and wide. But I haven't. I can't think or worry about other people. It's time for me to worry about myself. Focus. It's all I can do to keep myself up on two feet.

just because it's a classic

2012-01-18T22:21:00.001-08:00

after you get what you want

2012-01-17T21:57:00.001-08:00

"here's some advice I'd like to share..."

2012-01-17T21:49:00.000-08:00

the look of love

2012-01-17T17:41:00.000-08:00

love this little tripod.

This little dog stole my heart. She's lost so much and been in so much pain. Only days after losing her leg and a litter of puppies she still only seems to want to love on people. If that's not bravery and courage I don't know what is.

Her name is Sunny but I've taken to calling her "Bunny" because of her new tripod limp. She's currently up for adoption if anyone is interested. I'm EXTREMELY interested in her myself... but money wise I'm not sure if I can handle the new addition to my small home.

1.15.12

2012-01-15T14:19:00.000-08:00

While shopping this weekend I made some rules for myself. I will no longer purchase dresses that resemble something you would cover your windows or your floor with. Instead I'll attempt to acknowledge that I have a body shape. Not sure how long this experiment will last.

denim jacket - Banana Republic

striped (tightest dress I've ever owned in my whole life) dress - American Apparel

palm springs - joshua tree

2012-01-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

Desert vacation from r smith on Vimeo.

A video of our Thanksgiving trip. I want to go back. Thanks Rhi!

1.8.12

2012-01-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

cropped.

blurry photo booth.

I just wanted to photo document that I went outside in a crop top and low rise jeans.

a new level of "I don't care" achieved.

denim jacket - Levis

crop muscle tee - Sophomore

jeans - Gap

I'm considering starting a "bikini gang" - anyone interested?

2012-01-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

"Name your girl 'Angel' or 'Heaven' and she will spend 85% of her life in a bikini or a gang." - Kelly Oxford

I love reading Kelly's twitter. Even when she's making fun of my name.

now is all we have

2012-01-06T10:40:00.000-08:00

"The time is now and now is all we have. " - Neal Cassady

doing the unstuck

2012-01-06T10:11:00.000-08:00

"When we start out on a spiritual path we often have ideals we think we're supposed to live up to. We feel we're supposed to be better than we are in some way. But with this practice you take yourself completely as you are. Then ironically, taking in pain - breathing it in for yourself and all others in the same boat as you are - heightens your awareness of exactly where you're stuck."

war on war

2012-01-05T20:25:00.000-08:00

“you have to learn how to die, if you want to want to be alive.”

at the testing point

2012-01-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

"courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point." - C.S Lewis

2011 favorite outfit recap

2012-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

1.1.12

2012-01-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Dear 2011, So long sucker

2011-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

it's what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening

2011-12-31T12:19:00.000-08:00

‎"It isn't the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer, it's what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening. That's where the suffering comes from." - Pema Chodron

Bunny - test shoot

2011-12-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

My last test shoot of the year. Looking forward to seeing the final shots!

Thank you Bunny, William & team!

What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

2011-12-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

What Are You Doing New Years Eve - Zooey Deschanel & Joseph Gordon-Levitt

the brave thing to do

2011-12-27T11:42:00.000-08:00

"We can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better 'me' who one day will emerge. We can't jump over ourselves as if we were not there."

holiday

2011-12-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

I love how the city empties out as Christmas approaches. Further proof that hardly anyone is from here. Suddenly parking abounds and the streets look eerily empty. As I walk down the sidewalk I can take my time and look up at the sky in search of stars without worrying about bumping into anyone. It's a bit lonely but I welcome the extra breathing room in what feels like a crowded city.

Video Games

2011-12-22T11:16:00.001-08:00

pinterest - seeing red

Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

2011-12-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

pinterest - white light

cone of shame

2011-12-21T20:50:00.000-08:00

things fall apart

2011-12-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.” ― Pema Chödrön

one blink of an eye away from being fully awake

2011-12-19T19:31:00.001-08:00

“WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.”

Pink Drink Party & Toy Drive -- Ladies Night!

2011-12-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

Wow. I am a TERRIBLE ham for the camera.

I blame the pink drinks.

looking for love

2011-12-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

The homeless men of SF really love me. I get the sweetest compliments from them on a daily basis. Granted, the compliments don't always FEEL sweet but all the same. I've had everything from "nice boots" (harmless) to "I like those jeans" (slightly offensive). I've also been given fashion advice like, "I don't know about that lipstick color." - umm.. didn't you hear orange-red lipstick is all the rage this season?

Tonight I got a new one, "I really like your hair."

Awe shucks. I have to admit I like 'em poor and all. But I have to draw the line somewhere. If I should change my mind all I need to do is take a stroll down to City Hall / Civic Center or maybe hike up Van Ness to look for love. At least now I know where to go when I need a little self esteem pick-me-up.

from this moment

2011-12-15T00:11:00.000-08:00

“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.” ― Pema Chödrön

mood board

2011-12-12T20:37:00.000-08:00

tumblr

things

2011-12-12T20:28:00.000-08:00

things I'm working on:

1. I volunteered with some friends over the weekend. A good reminder that it's always best to face your fears vs. hide your head in the sand. I've decided to make a monthly commitment as a reminder to myself how lucky I truly am.

2. In the same vein I've started looking into classes. We're talking about a very small step towards a much bigger goal. One day at a time. I'm saving for text books.

3. Working on accepting what is. There is a freedom in letting go of judgement.

“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” - Lao Tzu

The Other Side Of Mt. Heart Attack

2011-12-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

a new friend

2011-12-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

"Grief is a strange thing, because it is lonely work, but work undertaken fully supported by friends and family. No one can really help you, and you do the work all alone, but with every sidelong glance you see the people (and animals and things) you love, waiting patiently for you." - Sarah Blackwood

I fall for the other stuff

2011-12-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

"I know you're not always perfect. I know you have tons of problems, defects, imperfections... but who doesn't? It's just that I prefer your problems. I'm in love with your imperfections. Your imperfections are just great! I know most girls they get weak on their knees for what's beautiful, you know, that's all they see, that's all they want. But I'm not like that. I don't just see what's beautiful. I fall for the other stuff. I love what's not perfect. It's just how I am." - Les poupées russes

dream!

2011-12-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

I L O V E this couple! This sneak peak video of their wedding is magical. I think I'm going to watch it one (million) more time(s)!!

James and Aubrey Sneep Peep from Geoff Boothby / Landshark on Vimeo.

The New Classics

2011-12-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

I'm still figuring out my new scanner. There must be a setting for photo scans... but until then. I found some old H&M catalogs in my closet while cleaning. I kept them for a couple of the editorials. This is one of my favorites.

12.7.11

2011-12-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

field jacket - BR (men)

cardigan - BR (men)

peach silk shirt - Jcrew

rust cords - Gap

boots - Dolce Vita

Acceptance - Mindfulness

2011-12-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

“Conditioned Awareness is where we live our lives in guilt over the past and anxiety over the future and never get to experience the present.” - Russell Targ

Dance Break - do the eggroll

2011-12-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

I miss you Palm Springs

2011-12-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

Weeks later I still can't stop thinking about the desert.

I want to go back.

Ace Hotel

Joshua Tree

images borrowed here

12.1.11

2011-12-01T12:57:00.000-08:00

white woven - gap

waxed skinny with zips - zara

loafers - dieppa restrepo

teeny-tiny skull necklace - unknown

Raconte-Moi Une Histoire

2011-12-01T12:29:00.000-08:00

M83 - Raconte-Moi Une Histoire from Jw on Vimeo.

mood board - iridescent

2011-12-01T12:21:00.000-08:00

Tumbling

11.30.11

2011-11-30T11:58:00.000-08:00

blazer - h&m

leopard blouse - thrift

mom jeans - vintage levis

suede pumps - nine west

Vessel

2011-11-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

I've found the perfect soundtrack to listen to while lost in my own thoughts.

mood board - all of a sudden I'm into hats...

2011-11-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

11.28.11

2011-11-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

hat - Mint by Goorin

sweater - Acne

navy silk blouse - Jcrew

black high waist jeans - Cheap Monday

suede boots - Dolce Vita

adventure...

2011-11-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

An action packed weekend in the desert.

when most people drive towards family I drove away....
a quick video I shot while driving through Joshua Tree

11.22.11

2011-11-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

cropped floral coat - vintage gunne sax

pink silk blouse - equipment

mom jeans - vintage levis

necklaces - reliquary SF

tassel loafers - dieppa restrepo

oh god I fell for you...

2011-11-21T22:49:00.000-08:00

Feeling moody

Dancing Barefoot - Patti Smith cover by First Aid Kit

no separation

2011-11-18T15:02:00.000-08:00

"There is no birth, no death; no this,

no that; no high, no low; no more

beautiful, no less beautiful. The wave does not have to

die in order to become water.

The wave is water in

this very moment"

Khalil Gibran

The Madman p.33

11.17.11

2011-11-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

field jacket (mens) - BR

denim tunic - Gap

waxed denim - Jbrand

boots - Dolce Vita

It turns out watching a movie in bed with a long distance friend over Skype is actually way fun. Of course I loved making snarky comments back and forth about the "quality" of the movie. But my favorite part has to be when I woke up at 3am to see the chat window with video was still open and my friend was still there but sleeping. The Internet can be a cool place (sometimes).

11.16.11

2011-11-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

tunic - BR

high waist jeans - cheap monday

boots - dolce vita

necklaces - reliquary (SF)

I've been doing a lot of mental rearranging.

Simplicity is best for the moment.

11.15.11

2011-11-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

dress - Zara

tights - Zara

boots - Anthropologie

tintype photography

2011-11-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

Freckle Face

My Tintype Portrait by Michael Shindler

mood board of the day

2011-11-12T15:04:00.000-08:00

mindfulness

2011-11-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver

death tour

2011-11-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just need to take a road trip with some of your best girls to LA and:

go on a "death tour" while blasting Nicki Minaj
eat fast-food (jack'n'the box, McD's, Wendy's AND Dominos pizza - ouchies)
decorate your newly single friend's apartment so he feels at home. When he insists on a Christmas tree in Nov you say "LETS DO IT!!"

American Horror - The "murder house"

Six Feet Under - Fisher & Sons funeral home

11.7.11

2011-11-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

Uniform Dressing - I'm into it.

cropped denim jacket - br

sweater - shopbop

necklaces - reliquary

jeans - court

suede cowboy boots - dolce vita

take care of yourself....

2011-11-01T21:01:00.001-07:00

doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing.

the witching hour...

2011-10-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

My friend Rhi & I ended up having complimentary costumes that looked something like "good vs. evil".

merely accepts my being

2011-10-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

“So, now I shall talk every night. To myself. To the moon… I talk to myself and look at the dark trees, blessedly neutral. So much easier than facing people, than having to look happy, invulnerable, clever. With masks down, I walk, talking to the moon, to the neutral impersonal force that does not hear, but merely accepts my being. And does not smite me down.”

—	Sylvia Plath

happy birthday, Sylvia

meanwhile in my office

2011-10-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to entice small children into my office
.... the trap has been set.

10.27.11

2011-10-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think it's incredibly embarrassing that I put pictures like this up of myself on the Internet.

O h w e l l.

Legitimately cold this morning. Pulled out my cashmere blanket sweater and layered it over a denim jacket to keep the chill out. These Gap leggings have been the most comfortable pants I've ever owned. I wear them almost daily.

sweater - Cynthia Vincent

denim jacket - BR

gingham shirt - Jcrew

jeans - Gap

boots - Dolce Vita

Spike Jonze: Mourir Auprès de Toi

2011-10-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Spike Jonze: Mourir Auprès de Toi on Nowness.com.

"I don't want to die."

"It's not so bad."

in my ears and in my eyes...

2011-10-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

my tumblr

Rachel Kaye

2011-10-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

I work with some talented women. Rachel Kaye is pretty much amazing. I wasn't feeling well but pushed myself up onto my feet and made it to her art show opening. I want every single piece but I would settle for just one. Danica documented the night.

me, Rachel, Kumiko

Rachel's perfect outfit and drool worthy necklace

we were all particularly drawn to this piece

these sculptures were totally unexpected and STUNNING

"did you just take a picture of me?" - candid shot of me Instagraming at the show

Rachel Kaye & Kumiko

Triple Base Art Gallery

3041 24th St (@ Treat)

San Francisco, CA

Oct 21 - Nov 20th

funny girl

2011-10-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

“I’m not funny. What I am is brave.”

-Lucille Ball

morning observations on the way to work...

2011-10-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

1.Sometimes it feels like the bus must be great surfing practice. I shift my weight from moment to moment in order to avoid falling on someone to the front, back or side of me. The driver this morning seemed intent on making me "wipe out" with each start and stop. I still thanked him as I exited the bus. Why not.

2.For whatever reason you encounter way more crazies on the bus vs. underground muni. I'm not entirely sure of what that draw is. Besides the occasional scary crazy person you also encounter the SF unicorn. It's a rare sighting most places, but on the bus you see tiny children with their parents going to school. This morning I unashamedly stared at a father and son playing little silly games together. Mostly the little boy was hitting his dad and the father was trying to block any dangerous strikes at the crotch region. It looked like a fun game. When they reached their stop the little boy raised his hand up for the father to take. I couln't help but smile.

treat yo' self

2011-10-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

All my money is gone but it was well worth it. I flew to San Diego for 1.5 days with Danica to visit a dear friend. The trip in images via our Instagrams.

boarding

the Pearl

mirrored ceilin' ya'll

poolside

I'm like p a l e

shopping is exhausting!

a very cute pregnant Alissa!

my morning coffee

(i love you)

on the move

2011-10-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

I went from never going anywhere to spending all my money on travel. Life is funny that way I guess. I've formed a tight relationship with Virgin America. I like to pretend I'm fancy and fly "Main Cabin Select".

The Pearl

main cabin select - Virgin America

San Diego bound to visit a close friend who's dealing with being both very pregnant as well as being the main caretaker for her mother who has become very ill. So many of my friends are struggling with a lot right now. It's like there is something in the air. From untimely death to relationships struggling or in some cases ending it feels like a lot.

so you see...

2011-10-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

my version of denim on denim.

heads down.

thumbs up.

my new favorite necklace combo.

mood board of the day - blues

2011-10-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

Avoiding getting dressed. Woke up thinking about a couple of outfit options inspired by some lovely ladies on my Pinterest.

credits on my Pinterest

mood board of the day - modern 50's greaser

2011-10-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm more than a little obsessed with the notion of a modern 50's greaser style. Not sure I'm looking to throw out my whole wardrobe and dress like this every day... but I'm feeling at least one outfit coming on! Also starting to think I might need to pull together a test shoot!

10.7.11

2011-10-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

Spent the evening with Jody creating a mood board.

We called her look "bitchy witch".

I'm thinking I'll work on my own over coffee in the morning...

only what would my "style" be called?

something like "lazy lady"?

I also found out my dear friend's brother passed away tonight.

I started to write about it but it was too hard.

His family will be in my prayers tonight.

boucle jacket - vintage

white woven - Gap

black waxed skinnies - J brand

ballet flats - J.crew

I'm rethinking my Fall wardrobe...

2011-10-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

(the buffer takes a sec)

Get More: MTV Supervideo, Music, Best Coast, Best Coast, Music, More Music Videos

source: style rookie

your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life

2011-10-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

10.3.11

2011-10-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

cropped denim jacket - BR

grey sweater - BR

metallic tulip skirt - Zara

boots - A Wang

10.1.11

2011-10-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Spent Sat morning ransacking Reliquary

and taking some pictures of my outfit in Hayes Valley with Danica.

Taking life one day at a time.

It's the only way.

cropped denim jacket - BR

grey tank - AA

pants - Boy by Band of Outsiders

sunglasses - Karen Walker

bag - A.Wang

shoes - Dolce Vita

9.29.11

2011-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

navy silk blouse - Jcrew

mom jeans - vintage orange tag Levis

ballet flats - jcrew

we ladies

2011-09-21T00:17:00.000-07:00

Ladies night at Sarah's house. I need MORE of this in my life. These ladies make me laugh and cry and laugh until I cry. It's good for the soul. Thank you.

Roof-top pizza party on a warm SF summer night.

Amazing.

some serious and I mean SERIOUS sunglasses.

oh look! It's Danica!~ SWEET.

(she's going to kill me for this)

ph: taken by Danica

Day Eight - Paris

2011-09-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I ever felt an indifference to a place like Paris. This time around I felt my love growing indescribable amounts with each day.

Today we were invited to the Mosquée de Paris to soak up some steam in the Hammam. We had just enough time to grab some pain au chocolat and hit the metro. My goal on this trip was to operate under the statement of "why not?" and experience as much as possible. So when I was told that we would all be steaming topless I didn't even flinch. Sure. Topless. My boobs are cute... let's do this. Once inside the steam room I instantly felt myself melt into a perfect state of relaxation. I should steam myself EVERY WEEK! The beautiful part about the steam room was how social it was. Most spas insist on total quiet. But here it was so clearly a place for women to relax and chat. The sounds of different languages mingled with soft laughter and heat and steam. I loved every dizzy moment.

Once we couldn't soak any more we wandered into another room where two women waited to scrub us with oils. It felt more like being attacked than relaxing but the final result was soft glowing skin. On to the next room! More women, tables, a fountain and padded beds to recline on while waiting for a massage. We were handed thick sweet mint tea and talked softly. Once it was my turn I walked awkwardly to my masseuse and quickly forgot that I was half naked in a room full of women waiting their turn for a massage. My treatment can only be described as perfectly grounding. Happiness and peace.

After we all were steamed, scrubbed and rubbed to perfection we glided outside for some delicious Moroccan food. While we quietly shoveled delicious cous cous into our mouths I watched little brown birds fly in and out of the restaurant. Beautiful. Peaceful.

Once our bellies were full we parted for the afternoon to freshen up. We walked to the metro in the soft rain and I was feeling... good. I almost wanted to end the day just like this. I didn't want to ruin what was a perfect experience. BUT there could be none of that. After a shower and outfit change we headed out once again for a house party. HOUSE PARTY! With locals and being hosted by TWO chefs. Dream. I had no expectations of course but once there the people were so warm and kind. We sat and talked until the food was gone and we were hungry once again. Someone had the genius idea to head out for felafel and to sit by the Seine. The river is so beautiful at night. Incredible is probably a more accurate word. Everyone was so happy and smiling from ear to ear. The cute French boy in our party informed me that Parisians never sit by the Seine. When I asked why he said, "I don't know... I mean... do you ever go stand on the Golden Gate Bridge?" - point taken. I can't think of a single time I've walked on the GG bridge. It's just there and I take it for granted.

After the falafel was gone and the beauty of the river was fully appreciated we began to walk the city at night. I've mentioned it before but it's worth stating again that the architecture in Paris is breathtaking. It's just incredible that every corner you turn there is beauty everywhere. I once took a turn and suddenly the Eiffel Tower greeted me unexpectedly. I asked the locals if they still notice the beauty that they live in. The answer of course is no. But I was told that when they travel other places they start to miss the beauty of Paris. They feel it's absence. I can see how that happens and yet I think if I moved there I could never take it for granted.

As the night wound down I was offered a ride on a scooter around the city. I'll admit that each and every time a scooter or motorcycle whizzed by in Paris I felt my heart sink. On the other hand I know how fun it is and wanted so badly to experience the city by scooter. When I had my chance I jumped at it! YES PLEASE! Paris by scooter!! If you think it sounds fun I'll admit to you that IT IS! We weaved in and out of side streets and attempted not to hit people or cars. We laughed and I think I probably screamed once or twice. A memory I will never forget.

That night I went to bed but couldn't sleep. My mind raced with all that had happened that day and all that had been and will be. My mind raced from the adrenaline and the laughter. My heart ached for something it can't explain away. But I had a good day. I dare to say I had the best day. I never want to leave.

All Stars x 1969

2011-09-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

I still haven't finished writing about Paris. I have some ... thinking to do. In the meantime I was honored to be featured in the Gap Mag feature on employees personal style! I picked out a pair of jeans and then styled them back to my own clothes. Thanks Nina & the Gap Mag team!

J.Crew vest. Madewell denim shirt. American Apparel T. 1969 gummy leggings. Vintage scarf. Anya Jindrich wood crescent necklace. Brass and leather necklace fromReliquary. Rachel Comey boots. Nars lipstick in Red Square.

Day Seven - Paris

2011-09-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. I discovered an adorable hole in the wall that served tasty banana pancakes for breakfast. I traveled underground and partied with 6 million dead Parisians. I experienced Paris in the rain. I walked through maze like streets and laughed with my travel mate. I listened to music in the metro. I ate a falafel that could almost rival my beloved Falafel's Drive In. I ate cookies from a french bakery that made me smile at the first bite. I came home and laughed and laughed with my friend and found that I was in the moment so perfectly ok. Today I lived in the moment.

Does that make sense?

I had a good day.

Day Six - Paris

2011-09-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

Today was harder than I anticipated. Actually... I have no idea what I was expecting to happen. Maybe something along the lines of "have a great day running around Paris and then come home to cry." I guess that's what happened.

I slept surprisingly well. Wow. I'm lying a lot in this post. I had a feeling I would sleep well because my travel mate gave me something to relax. In the morning I woke up feeling good. Great even! I pulled back the curtains and Paris stretched out before me. The architecture here is so beautiful and romantic in makes my heart swell. I dressed quickly and hit the streets in search of coffee.

Paris seems so much more friendly this time around. The weather is hot, the people are beautiful, and the general mood is open. There has been very little culture shock here as most people have been assuming I'm French until I speak. I use the polite "bonjour!" as I enter shops and bakeries. I make sure to say "Merci" as I leave. Everything is going by with relative ease.

With that said I feel like I'm not really here. I tell myself to be present and at times I really am... but then with a sudden punch in the stomach the pain revisits so violently that I feel like I'm going to throw-up. I walked from one end of Paris to the other today and probably could have sat down and cried every mile on the mile.

I wish I could tell you about both Paris AND the deep and profound sense of loss that I'm struggling with. I wish they could blend easily into one post. EVEN BETTER I wish they didn't have to co-exist at all. In my daze I wander the streets thinking, "that building is so beautiful... I have nothing to go home to. " - these thoughts live in tandem and it's emotionally draining as well as unproductive.

There was a time in my youth that I never would have allowed myself to be put in such a position. Now I find that my whole world is in flux and I don't know how to manage it. Paris has given me the great advantage of ACTUAL distance. But all I can think about is what's going to happen next in my life vs. what's going to happen in the next hour of my vacation.

All I can do right now is bush my teeth, get into bed, and read some prayers. Tomorrow is another chance. Another day gives a tiny speck more of distance. I'm not going to lie... I anticipate more of the same.

Day Five - Paris

2011-09-09T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to even start writing about this leg of my journey. I wasn't even sure if I would. I booked these trips to try and find a piece of myself that had gone missing over the years. I never imagined how much of that journey would be one of self reflection and what I would have to be willing to lose in the process.

The morning of the my flight I ran the usual errands. Had to drop of Bandit (which turned out to be more emotional for me that I had imagined) and shop for odds and ends. I talked on the phone with a dear friend that helped me try to ground myself a bit before I left. Even with that conversation I found myself having about a million reservations.

Bags in hand I dragged myself to Bart (a small victory for a girl that's afraid of new forms of public transportation) and made my way to the airport. I felt anxiety. Met up with my friend at the ticket counter. I felt freaked out but held it down so she wouldn't see. Waiting to board the plane I wanted to run home and dive under my covers. Once on the plane I began to think about how all I wanted was to be at his apartment surrounded by his smell and his things. I wanted to be off this plane and somewhere familiar. But I was on the plane and so off I went.

This reaction probably seems ... strange to some people. But it's been this way for me as long as I can remember. I've been uprooted and shuffled from place to place most of my young life against my wishes. As an adult I crave familiarity and WHEN I travel I like to plan things out so I know what to expect. I had zero idea what to expect upon our arrival to Paris.

Of course once I landed I felt fine. Just like my friend said, "it will all be worth it once your feet are on Parisian soil." - and she was right. After settling into our apartment we met up with some friends that are staying in Paris as well. I didn't know them well but I swear when I saw them I hugged each girl like family. We made our way to some lovely shops, grabbed snacks and came back to hang out at our amazing apartment, and finally to dinner at a cute little bistro. It was too expensive of course but it was worth every penny to be surrounded by laughter and clinking silver. Food and more food was put in front of me. I haven't been able to eat for three days. But in this environment I felt a bit of my old appetite return. At least for a moment.

After dinner even though we were jet lagged and stumbling with exhaustion we went for a night stroll. I was told it was Fall in Paris but it feels like summer. The air was warm and filled with the sounds of people laughing, talking, music and ... at the risk of sounding cheesy it was full of life. Every couple of feet there was a cafe with people spilling out onto the street. I felt such relief to be surrounded by the energy. A welcome distraction. It was only when my friends started hunting for male attention that I began to feel uneasy and excused myself to head home.

Sleep came easily this night. I'm hoping for another day of exploration and some laughter. In the very least I am feeling lifted by the beauty all around me here.

Day Four

2011-09-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a travel day. I'm heading back to SF for a day of work and then back on a plane bound for Paris. I've made plenty of lists full of people to call and things to do. I haven't done anything with my morning other that sip coffee on the couch and tap away at this keyboard.

I've been thinking. Everyone takes vacations to mix up their routine. The day to day can become so ... repetitive. I know I need this but I'm starting to feel like this vacation is just an escape from a reality I'm not ready to deal with.

Day Three

2011-09-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

Coffee in hand I'm brainstorming outfits for Paris. I have my tiny notebook and pencil, a stack of magazines, and a Jerseylicious marathon chatting in the background. My uniform lately has been black jeans, loafers or ankle boots, grey top, jean jacket. Simple and easy. But with that said I'm thinking about what I want to wear on the next leg of my trip.

Packing my uniform would make everything much easier. BUT I feel like I want to break out. It's Fall in France right now. What a perfect time to experiment with new looks?! Usually when I travel I pack light and simple with items that mix and match easily. Maybe this time I'll go a little crazy?

I'm not going to lie. I have this fun image of riding bikes in Paris wearing sequins and plaid with patent loafers.

Day Two

2011-09-04T12:49:00.002-07:00

While wandering the make-up aisles at Sephora I was hit with a familiar wave of sadness. There is nothing worse than making a wrong turn onto the "reality aisle" when the whole point of vacationing is to get away from thinking.