things I don't talk about anymore

I went back into the archives and started deleting things. I'm pretty close to deleting this whole blog all together and start fresh. While sifting and digging I noticed a lot of posts about how I was struggling with specific problems. Shopping addictions, weight gain, and some hints at relationship issues. Now it seems all I do is post quotes that help me through the day. Maybe a blurry photo here and there. But ultimately things aren't the same. I suppose that's normal. At any rate it's life. I'm guilty of grasping at whatever I can to keep things the same. Change isn't my strong suit. But! But. Change can't be controlled. Sure, it can be manipulated but all the same it's going to happen one way or another whether you're ready for it or not.

So! Things I haven't talked about but am willing to skim the surface of now.

1. Shopping addiction - I've read a lot of literature about all kinds of addiction. At the end of the day we're all desperately trying to save our self from feeling any pain. Whether that pains is anxiety, depression, doubt, loneliness, etc, we react as if those feelings are tantamount to death. We keep so busy that we're never allowed to take time to question our motives or our deeper needs. We mask the pain with people, food, hobbies, things. My experience over the last couple of months tells me that even when you've faced your worst fear, even when you think that when you peer over that edge death must be on the other side... well.... you manage to keep on living. At any rate I did. In the past in order to avoid I would shop. If I felt insecure I would buy something pretty that made me feel somehow more worthy. Now? I've been practicing sitting with my feelings. They hurt and poke and tear at my insides. But! I sit with them and at times lean into them knowing that they will pass. Fact is that even when experiencing a full blown panic attack I manage to come out the other side. I still get dressed in the morning and take my dog for a walk. I still laugh and smile with friends. Life has a funny way of reminding you that you never know what's around the corner for better or worse. In the past 6 months I've only purchased one item of clothing online and three items while out with friends.

edit: I wanted to clarify that the clothing I purchased was not to mask pain. I was mindful of what I was buying in the moment. Two dresses were purchased to celebrate a smaller body shape. One dress purchased to wear while styling over leggings, and one pair of faux leather leggings to wear under whatever.  Sadly the leather leggings are already big.... but under a tunic or large sweater they still work.

2. Weight gain - Oh brother. This is a hard one for a lot of women. Especially in the 30-something age range. Because the universe is a strange place I recently lost 12 pounds without trying. I mentioned panic attacks above and apparently those suckers burn A LOT of calories! Not to worry, I haven't stopped eating. No, I'm not starving myself. But I think left to my own devices I eat small portions of healthy food. I never eat past 7:45pm if I can help it (group dinners are obviously an exception if needed). Donuts are a thing of the past as are ice-cream sundaes in bed and Chinese Take-out at 11pm. I live in a city that requires that I walk a ton and so I do. Funnily enough I probaby should go shopping and buy new pants that fit BUT I just wear my black skinnies every day so what's the point?

3. Relationship issues - I can't and won't go too deep into this. My four year relationship to my best friend of twelve years has ended. To say I didn't see it coming would be a lie. I know I worked harder than most people ever would to keep it alive. Believe me there have been times when I felt perfectly entitled to tell every deep dark secret I've ever kept out of consideration of someone else. To vent my pain. To unload the incredible burden. I've often wished I could be more angry. I've wanted to send out signal flares warning people far and wide. But I haven't. I can't think or worry about other people. It's time for me to worry about myself. Focus. It's all I can do to keep myself up on two feet.